Believing In Me

So I haven't posted in here in almost a year. The thought crossed my mind the delete this, but I know how I am. I would regret the hell out of that decision and then want to write about how much of a mistake it was to delete my blog but have nowhere to write it, and the internal conflict would drive me insane. So instead of writing something long and wistful, lamenting my time away… I’m going to pretend like it never happened and get with the getting on. In the last almost year lots of things have gone on. People were sick, people are sick. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was in love but ended up getting my heart broken. I’ve made some bonds with some amazing people that I can personally guarantee will never sever.
I’m beginning to think I’ve inherited some doormatic (I invented that word) qualities from my mother. I tend to give everyone and everything and every situation I come across the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I think it makes me look like someone who doesn’t need emotional tending because I’m so involved in making sure whoever I’m involving myself gets to feel their feelings that my feelings get more than overlooked. How’s that for a run-on sentence? I will tend to other people and other things until my fingers are worn down to bloody nubs, all the while thinking I’m feeling this thing or that thing but keeping it to someone who isn’t even myself. What do I mean? I’ll explain. It’s like I don’t even let my feelings get bottled up because I don’t keep them anywhere near the empty bottles. It’s more like I’m thinking them into one of those astronaut training rooms, where there’s no gravity and things will bounce around for eternity if you don’t stop them. So instead of having that bottle that’s ever-filling for me to reference, I have this spastic chamber that bounces emotions off of me left and right, making it difficult for me to express what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. I know, it’s epic. And it’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever read in the history (and future) of ever… so you may want to bookmark this entry now.
I needed to take a real hiatus from updating because felt like all I was saying, all I was writing, was really about trying to figure out how to make my life read the way I wanted it to read. And when I read my posts over and over again I felt like cataloging my indecision only made it worse. I was constantly reminded of things I told myself I should be doing without ever making any steps toward doing them. It’s very hard to dig yourself out of your current state of thought when you’ve surrounded yourself with your demons from the past.I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the NYC nightlife is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dance around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out. I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives.
So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else. Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like summer ’13 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now. I’d like to make the fun in my relationship the best fun we’ve ever seen. I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships, I want to get back into school. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am. I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.
I think the key to me making my blog (and maybe my life?) work and be something I update often is to not put so much pressure on myself the way I used to. I’d actually think when I was at work, or on the train, or standing around being amazing, that I had to think of something to write. I had to think of something to talk about. When really, I intend to use this as a place for me to vocalize with my fingertips what I can’t vocalize with my tongue. So maybe instead of beating myself up with imaginary baseball bats and tasers (side note: when did tasers become the new handgun/birth control/handshake? Was I out of the room when the entire planet decided tasers should be in vogue?) I’ll write about why I don’t have anything to say or why I don’t feel like updating. I can imagine if anybody is reading this right now they’re thinking “oh awesome, that sounds like a post I’d like to read. You’re so dumb I want to kick you. And I'm done!

Enjoy my pictures, mostly from the 2013 Brooklyn Half Marathon that I participated in!

Flying

for years.

I felt.

that I was falling.

because of having to lose, and let go of so much.

but now I realize,

that I’ve been flying.

and was only letting go,

of the things,

that were holding me down.

Don't Speak

before I speak.

I must practice the art of silence.

and the art of patience.

and the art of listening.

I should think,

of what it is that I intend to say.

and choose the most concise way to go about doing so.

I should not look at language as a general means of communicating.

but I should be reminded that

the reason I say something

and the way I say something,

should be specific

to the person

or people

I am saying it to.

Cruel Summer

Somewhere between heartbreak & adulthood, I lost my way. I sacrificed my imagination for love; for stability. I gave up what made me happy for the unexpected. But I miss that old world, that state of being free, the stick & bag of marble dreams, the street light, My grandparents yelling out the window, summer nights where all you wanted to do was stay there for 15 more minutes…..But I’ve been looking for it, seeking it out in the eyes of the strangers I meet & the strangers I already know…I’ll see it again…I’m sure.

Hair Down My Back

I went wig shopping the other day with a gentleman friend and it was one of the most fun times I've ever had. Him, being uber masculine was so cool and open to the idea of it. Y'all know how gay men can be about anything that would make them effeminate, especially gay black men. But he was so cool and open to the idea and kept on saying to me, "Chanhthajone, I just want you to be in your zone and have as much fun with me. I just want to see that beautiful smile of yours."

Since finding out my mother having cancer and which stage it was on May, 23, 2012 he has been very supportive. It's so sad that I thought my BF at that time would be the one I run to and just be held and told, it will be ok, she will make it thru or even we will make it thru but it wasn't. That man cheated on me two nights before and it just wouldn't feel right running to someone who I know had betrayed me, my trust and most importantly the foundation we had built! And on top of that because I was silent in my reaction and trying to think things over and consider giving him another chance like the coward under that mask that he has worn, texted me to end things.

Of course I was truly heart broken by it, he'll I even had a few anxiety attacks and since been on Klonopin to deal with the anxiety. But my mother told me, "when people decide they want to walk out of your life, let them" and my response to that text was exactly just that, take care! And I do mean it! My mother had also been very supportive in this break up and even my uncle!

Anywho I'm all about proper closer and what not but this time his action was just enough! It was the most proper closure ever! It really didn't hit me until this past weekend. I broke down and cried like a little baby and I needed that. Okay, enough about this!

So he picks me up Sunday for breakfast, he cooked and we also went walking around Prospect Park to walk off what we had just indulge in! Ugh and sidebar I don't think I can ever date a vegetarian ever again! Well, for now at least! ;-) So we rested a little and I was given a massage, I love massages and back rubs so of course I couldn't say No to that! I mean how could I? And he has big strong hands and knew exactly what to do with it!

We got up and went wig hunting for my mom. lol he asked if he can see a picture of her so he can get an idea of what would look right so I showed him and he said to me, oh you are as beautiful as she is. Of course me not knowing how to take compliments I smirked and just laughed it off. lol. We went everywhere looking for it we started on Jamaica Ave, went to Harlem, Downtown BK and it wasn't until before he dropped me off that we saw a hair supply store by my apt that had the best fit for mommy! We had a blast trying it on! It was like I was hanging out with one of my sis but this man let it be known that he's interested in me and when my heart heal he wants me to give him a chance.... But I just got out of what I thought was something! Things can get so complicated!!!

Any who, we found the perfect wig for my mommy! I of course took a pic of me in it and is now even consider growing my hair out lol! I think I look great with that length and almost look like my father back when he use to wear his hair long but he has way more street cred and swag than I do! Hahaha

Ready, Set, Go!

So this heat has been getting me in heat and my hormones all over the place. I've been getting action and excellent action! The best that I've ever got in my entire life! Since not having to touch myself to climax I don't think having sex with another person will be as excellent.

Time After Time

So yeah I’m single and honestly I’m fine with it. I always say 1+ 0 is still 1. If I can’t enjoy spending time alone, how could anyone else enjoy spending time with me either. Real talk. 

Dating isn’t like it used to be, and that’s why I am single. I prefer it, now I guess.  I was somewhat vocal about my relationship with Jemani but not really on here.  Anywho, coupled with the fact that people are getting more & more complacent and not ready and willing to put any effort into it. I remember when dating was exciting; meeting a new person, awaiting their phone call or text messages, hanging out, etc.. some real Harley Quinn romance novel shit. Not pre-apocalyptic symbolic text messages filled with naked photos and promises of fellatio. But what do I know? I may appear to be bitter, but I am extremely hopeful. I always carry an umbrella with me. Always, and as I said to him and on my previous entry, It's only my heart, it will heal! 

Man Who Has Everything

Though confusing,

there is a big difference between understanding, and accepting.

and it is only a matter of time before he grows cold.

the direction of his mood changing like the wind.

He says he’s confusing,

but honestly, he really isn’t confusing

‘just confused.

and so now he’s confused,

as he insists on trying to understand him,

instead of accepting him,

as he is.

In 3D

have you ever googled someone you used to know?

just to see how they’ve been.

where they’ve gone.

or even, just to know that they’re still just as alive as you knew them to be?

well, I googled you today.

and you’ll probably never read this. but,

I’ll never forget that I once found a friend in you.

one that is now gone, like a familiar hello ripped apart at the seam.

your face illuminating from my computer screen, I see that your smile is still as contagious as it has always been.

I wish. that I could blame our distance. on distance.

because maybe then I would have an explanation big enough to fill this void.

I still wonder what I did wrong, assuming that it might have been something I said.

it was probably something I said.

but again, how does one measure the thickness of a wall

that is made of silence.

I just want to put it out there that this is not about anyone else but me. Funny how you think that awful smile of yours would captivate or get my attention. And NO it's not about you... It's about me...
In 3D!

Can We Talk

As a child I remember holding on to things too long. Letting my emotions run the gamut on my insides, carving out little pieces of my circulatory system; so that every heartbeat was a reminder of the joy/pain/sadness/contentedness I felt on a daily basis. And I thought that when I moved away that I would blossom into something or someone a little less like the dictionary definition of a person and a little more like joan of arc...But leaving the walls behind proved more difficult than I thought, and I never quite managed to move out of the home inside my heart. But I've made it thus far, 30. And you know I've never needed a savior; I just require company. In exchange for unconditional love and the insurmountable ability to understand I would just like to talk...

Sounds Like A Love Song

I think I may finally know what LOVE is, the feeling of being nervous. Thinking about that person and what they’re doing and wondering if something you found funny, they’d find funny when you talk to them later. The scent of someone, and the way you feel when they touch you for the first time, whether it be to like hold your hand or that first kiss. Getting a little excited when they call and counting down the minutes until you see them again. I can't wait to get to when you KNOW them at that point, and know what they’re going to say or do, and you can still point out little things that they do that you love, like the way they look at you and smile. Just like how my grandpa would when he would speak of my grandma.

Elephants Do Fly

I met someone. Within a week, I began telling friends about him and how he maybe the one. They were shocked, but no more than I. As a jaded New Yorker, I’d been dating for half my life, had been around the block several times over, and had encountered some of the worst men that the human species had to offer. Repeated exposure to such people, coupled with the abrasive nature of each failed relationship, caused me to become more and more callous. I secretly began to think that nothing would be able to penetrate my cynicism & then he came along.

Like This And Like

I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the life is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dancing around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out.

I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives. So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else.

Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like 2012 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now.

I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships. I’d like to make my job something that continues to inspire me. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am.
I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.

Boy In The Mirror

That young boy  in the picture, he would be scared to know some of the obstacles that would lie ahead, but then he would be happy to know the joys that would come too.  

I have thought about what I need to change this year, what will be important for me to stay true to, in this year of brand new possibilities.  Listening, is what I came up with.  In listening I can best see what is being revealed to me.  In listening I will hear even that which goes unsaid.  In listening I will have the opportunity to be thoughtful.  In listening I will choose the right path...

I am sure there will be times that I will need you to hold my hand.  Thank you for taking this journey with me...I imagine it will hold some unexpected, but blissful things too.

So Into You

for me, 

being spoken to with such openness. and honesty. cleanses the palate. 

appetite now open, 

I tasted you in my thoughts today. 

my ears, found themselves craving the sweet of your voice. 

you seduce me. 

subtle. 

Manly like. 

boyishly charming.

he is the water I now wish to bathe in. 

an ocean, that I wouldn’t mind drowning in. 

his presence, smells of spring time, and young Lovers. 

my imagination, 

having already filled in the blanks with optimism,

in these blind eyes, he has become the perfect stranger, 

the unscratched number on Love’s lottery ticket,

and together, 

we are nothing more than two dice, 

released by the hands of good timing.

rotating. connecting. in mid-air.

Curious. 

to whatever direction. 

our fortune. 

may fall. 

Beautiful Broke

There are two things that I can’t seem to get right, love & money.

Let’s start with the most obvious connection to my happiness, money. I love money, but money doesn’t love me. I daydream about winning the lottery and living in the lap of luxury but let’s face it, some of us work well into our 80’s. I also think that some people never know what money is to us. For me- money is time, opportunity and privilege. But the lack of money in my opinion is where art lies. I have my job, which is an okay job and it pays the bills, maybe not on time, but still. I have school loans coming out of my skull bones and a million dollars worth of debt. But hey I am still smiling. At least while that is free.

Who Are You?

who are you?

I can see what the world has done with you but,

what have you done with the world?

have you even attempted to change the world

even half as much as it has already changed you?

you insist that you are happy,

yet you smile with your mouth and eyes closed, 

as if you were hiding something. 

and I think it is because,

you are.