Believing In Me

So I haven't posted in here in almost a year. The thought crossed my mind the delete this, but I know how I am. I would regret the hell out of that decision and then want to write about how much of a mistake it was to delete my blog but have nowhere to write it, and the internal conflict would drive me insane. So instead of writing something long and wistful, lamenting my time away… I’m going to pretend like it never happened and get with the getting on. In the last almost year lots of things have gone on. People were sick, people are sick. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was in love but ended up getting my heart broken. I’ve made some bonds with some amazing people that I can personally guarantee will never sever.
I’m beginning to think I’ve inherited some doormatic (I invented that word) qualities from my mother. I tend to give everyone and everything and every situation I come across the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I think it makes me look like someone who doesn’t need emotional tending because I’m so involved in making sure whoever I’m involving myself gets to feel their feelings that my feelings get more than overlooked. How’s that for a run-on sentence? I will tend to other people and other things until my fingers are worn down to bloody nubs, all the while thinking I’m feeling this thing or that thing but keeping it to someone who isn’t even myself. What do I mean? I’ll explain. It’s like I don’t even let my feelings get bottled up because I don’t keep them anywhere near the empty bottles. It’s more like I’m thinking them into one of those astronaut training rooms, where there’s no gravity and things will bounce around for eternity if you don’t stop them. So instead of having that bottle that’s ever-filling for me to reference, I have this spastic chamber that bounces emotions off of me left and right, making it difficult for me to express what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. I know, it’s epic. And it’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever read in the history (and future) of ever… so you may want to bookmark this entry now.
I needed to take a real hiatus from updating because felt like all I was saying, all I was writing, was really about trying to figure out how to make my life read the way I wanted it to read. And when I read my posts over and over again I felt like cataloging my indecision only made it worse. I was constantly reminded of things I told myself I should be doing without ever making any steps toward doing them. It’s very hard to dig yourself out of your current state of thought when you’ve surrounded yourself with your demons from the past.I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the NYC nightlife is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dance around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out. I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives.
So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else. Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like summer ’13 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now. I’d like to make the fun in my relationship the best fun we’ve ever seen. I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships, I want to get back into school. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am. I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.
I think the key to me making my blog (and maybe my life?) work and be something I update often is to not put so much pressure on myself the way I used to. I’d actually think when I was at work, or on the train, or standing around being amazing, that I had to think of something to write. I had to think of something to talk about. When really, I intend to use this as a place for me to vocalize with my fingertips what I can’t vocalize with my tongue. So maybe instead of beating myself up with imaginary baseball bats and tasers (side note: when did tasers become the new handgun/birth control/handshake? Was I out of the room when the entire planet decided tasers should be in vogue?) I’ll write about why I don’t have anything to say or why I don’t feel like updating. I can imagine if anybody is reading this right now they’re thinking “oh awesome, that sounds like a post I’d like to read. You’re so dumb I want to kick you. And I'm done!

Enjoy my pictures, mostly from the 2013 Brooklyn Half Marathon that I participated in!

Beautiful Surprise

Love this picture of mother, one of many that I took late nights, days in/out out the hospital while she was being treated for cancer. What I love about her entire journey is that, she didn’t give up and just kept on fighting. So thankful to all those who sent their kind words, donated their monies to our team; Magnificent Malaysone with Light The Night and those who sent me a text, emailed me, called me up just to ask how I’m doing.

My family and I would like to thank you all for the support! There were times where all I wanted to do was cry because it was out of my control but chose to smile through it all instead. I had to make her priority and put my personal life on hold and build what I thought would be a shield. While finding out about her cancer, getting the necessaries information that I needed to understand all of that I was in love or thought it. But that love didn't last and it left me with a broken heart. Having put my emotions aside its now hitting me and I'm not liking how I feel. I'm thankful my mother is healed and now it’s my turn.

Flying

for years.

I felt.

that I was falling.

because of having to lose, and let go of so much.

but now I realize,

that I’ve been flying.

and was only letting go,

of the things,

that were holding me down.

Beauty Sing The Blues

My beautiful mother, Malaysone who is currently battling Stage 4 NH-Lymphoma cancer sings Mor lam. Mor lam is a traditional Lao form of song in Laos. Mor lam means expert song, or expert singer, referring to the music or artist respectively. Other romanisations used include mo lam, maw lam, maw lum, moh lam and mhor lum. In Laos, the music is known simply as lam (ລຳ); mor lam (ໝໍລຳ) refers to the singer. Traditionally, the tune was developed by the singer as an interpretation of glawn poems and accompanied primarily by the khene, a free reed mouth organ, but the modern form is most often composed and uses electrified instrument.

The cancer is being a tad bit stubborn and is not gone as of yet so, I'm still remaining hopeful and prayed up.  Last weekend my mother was in great energy and we went to one of her friend surprise birthday party.  Her band was present, they serenaded her and even got her to sing. Here are some pictures and videos from last week from last week!

I'll Be Your Song, Play Me All Night Long

Dear Song,

we haven’t spoke in a while, but I am taking this opportunity to write you a letter. I can’t help but to express my concern with the way things are turning out. you aren’t who I thought you’d be. Please don’t think that I am disappointed in you I just need you to listen.

I remember when you were growing up and you were so sad, you didn’t have many friends, your parents were always fighting, you were getting made fun of by bullies and being tormented by family members. You swore then that you were going to be someone, not to show everyone anything but so that you would never have to be sad again.

Your life had lead you down may roads, you’ve come across many people some good, some bad all leaving an impression on you but your core has never changed. You were always an artist. when things were adverse you wrapped up into yourself and created people that you could be around and worlds that lacked the bad things going on around you. You were able to fight back with your pencil and in turn make people smile and remember the beauty in life. It brought you closer to strangers, gave you a common bond with other artists and dazzled people on your talent. You didn’t have to speak or validate yourself, you just let your art speak for you.

Somewhere down the road between lazy and comfortable, between hurt and karma, you’ve lost it. It’s your light. If you don’t have that light then you needn’t exist. The ease of the execution has been lost on fast masterpieces of digital text and color gradients. It however isn’t fully gone.

As you’ve gotten older, you’ve started saying “why should I? what’s this for?” which was much different than what you used to say ” why can’t i? just because.” You’ve let your pursuit of love or something like it’s vampiric mission drain you of your energy and leave just enough to do it all over again. You didn’t need anything or anyone to be there - no models, no gigalos, no profiles, and default picture’s quicksand time management lessons.

you’re about as lonely as what you surround yourself with - you used to prefer the people you made up over the people you were forced to be around. And while your circle is cleaned and your back to basics like never before, you need to realize that your age & surrounding isn’t a hinderance but more direction more clarity of what you need.

You are one of the few people that can entertain themselves with everything that you’ve already got, you don’t need anyone else to help you or do it for you. But that life that you always dreamed of having is slipping away and you’ll be left with nothing and no one. And it will be your own fucking fault. Why would you choose to be no one special when it’s so clear that you are someone important - if not only to yourself. Seriously.

sincerely with all the love in the world.

Melody

Don't Speak

before I speak.

I must practice the art of silence.

and the art of patience.

and the art of listening.

I should think,

of what it is that I intend to say.

and choose the most concise way to go about doing so.

I should not look at language as a general means of communicating.

but I should be reminded that

the reason I say something

and the way I say something,

should be specific

to the person

or people

I am saying it to.

5 Miles To Empty

the man

that you are

makes me wish

that I

wasn’t the man

that Now am.

the very sight of you

in all your splendor,

opens up old wounds

and makes me wish

that I were the kind of man

that could guarantee he would love you forever

and spend his entire life keeping you, like that promise.

but my love

is an ocean,

too shallow

to drown your fears and insecurities.

.

none the less,

a lifetime

without ever knowing you

would have been

a lifetime

un-lived.

Cruel Summer

Somewhere between heartbreak & adulthood, I lost my way. I sacrificed my imagination for love; for stability. I gave up what made me happy for the unexpected. But I miss that old world, that state of being free, the stick & bag of marble dreams, the street light, My grandparents yelling out the window, summer nights where all you wanted to do was stay there for 15 more minutes…..But I’ve been looking for it, seeking it out in the eyes of the strangers I meet & the strangers I already know…I’ll see it again…I’m sure.

Miracle On Love Street

It pains me to live in a world where people can’t seem to comprehend Love beyond their own selfishness; when in all reality, love and selfishness cannot co-exist; love dies specifically because of selfishness.

I must be honest in saying that I’ve grown insensitive to it.

On a personal level, there’s nothing more infuriating, upsetting, and repulsing than the idea of someone wanting to possess…me. I’m not a thing, a toy, an appliance, something purchased, I am a person. I am an individual, a peculiar individual, that is widely loved specifically because of my individuality…how could a person try to take that from me? Suggesting that they wish to possess me, and keep me to themself, because they..love me?

I watch people do this not only with lovers and partners, but with kids, as well as friends. If people would only accept the reality that nothing in this life lasts forever (from the human bond down to the human life) we would appreciate our every moment on this earth, as well as every moment shared with other people on this earth, much more. We would spend more time maintaining our relationships with others, instead of relying on the sticky illusion of attachment.

I can admit, over time it has become easier for me not to grow attached to people and things because I’ve lost a lot of things and friends and people that I loved in life. And I didn’t lose them to death; in some ways that’s an easier way to lose someone. It can be much more haunting to lose someone, knowing that they’re still out there in the world, yet for some reason you may never be able to see them again or, they may just not care to see you again. I know about the constant reflecting, the self questioning and the undying false sense of hope that that kind of thing fosters; consciously and subconsciously. But it’s a reality that I grew to accept at a young age.

I’m loved and respected by many because of the way I treat people. That is to say, I treat people with love and respect. We meet people for the sole (and soul) purpose of growth. I understand that they are all helping to cultivate me into the person I need to be. Again, you move on. And the same goes with romantic relationships.

My point is, you can take that realization and say “fuck these people, why am I giving so much of myself and time to these temporary people?”, or you can accept that they have all assisted in your growth and you maybe should actually be thankful they ever even existed in your life. Only the selfish and the ungrateful have a hard time loving others without experiencing regret and indignation. There is no debt for love; love is what we owe each other.

Ultimately, things end, and we don’t always know why they end; just as we don’t always know why they began in the first place. But what we do know is, that it happened. That’s the miracle.

Walk, Run, Dive

First step, take a deep breath
You don’t need a reason why
You can take time
You can walk, run, dive
Close call, you think you might fall
But all you gotta do is try
Even angels learn how to fly...

Beauty and Her Wig

Mommy looks way too pretty! I love that she loves her wig!!! 

Hair Down My Back

I went wig shopping the other day with a gentleman friend and it was one of the most fun times I've ever had. Him, being uber masculine was so cool and open to the idea of it. Y'all know how gay men can be about anything that would make them effeminate, especially gay black men. But he was so cool and open to the idea and kept on saying to me, "Chanhthajone, I just want you to be in your zone and have as much fun with me. I just want to see that beautiful smile of yours."

Since finding out my mother having cancer and which stage it was on May, 23, 2012 he has been very supportive. It's so sad that I thought my BF at that time would be the one I run to and just be held and told, it will be ok, she will make it thru or even we will make it thru but it wasn't. That man cheated on me two nights before and it just wouldn't feel right running to someone who I know had betrayed me, my trust and most importantly the foundation we had built! And on top of that because I was silent in my reaction and trying to think things over and consider giving him another chance like the coward under that mask that he has worn, texted me to end things.

Of course I was truly heart broken by it, he'll I even had a few anxiety attacks and since been on Klonopin to deal with the anxiety. But my mother told me, "when people decide they want to walk out of your life, let them" and my response to that text was exactly just that, take care! And I do mean it! My mother had also been very supportive in this break up and even my uncle!

Anywho I'm all about proper closer and what not but this time his action was just enough! It was the most proper closure ever! It really didn't hit me until this past weekend. I broke down and cried like a little baby and I needed that. Okay, enough about this!

So he picks me up Sunday for breakfast, he cooked and we also went walking around Prospect Park to walk off what we had just indulge in! Ugh and sidebar I don't think I can ever date a vegetarian ever again! Well, for now at least! ;-) So we rested a little and I was given a massage, I love massages and back rubs so of course I couldn't say No to that! I mean how could I? And he has big strong hands and knew exactly what to do with it!

We got up and went wig hunting for my mom. lol he asked if he can see a picture of her so he can get an idea of what would look right so I showed him and he said to me, oh you are as beautiful as she is. Of course me not knowing how to take compliments I smirked and just laughed it off. lol. We went everywhere looking for it we started on Jamaica Ave, went to Harlem, Downtown BK and it wasn't until before he dropped me off that we saw a hair supply store by my apt that had the best fit for mommy! We had a blast trying it on! It was like I was hanging out with one of my sis but this man let it be known that he's interested in me and when my heart heal he wants me to give him a chance.... But I just got out of what I thought was something! Things can get so complicated!!!

Any who, we found the perfect wig for my mommy! I of course took a pic of me in it and is now even consider growing my hair out lol! I think I look great with that length and almost look like my father back when he use to wear his hair long but he has way more street cred and swag than I do! Hahaha

Ready, Set, Go!

So this heat has been getting me in heat and my hormones all over the place. I've been getting action and excellent action! The best that I've ever got in my entire life! Since not having to touch myself to climax I don't think having sex with another person will be as excellent.

And Love Is

Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is not proud. But is love you?

Magnificent Malaysone

On March 30th, 2012 my mother Malaysone was diagnosed with Stage IV NHL Lymphoma Cancer. Ever since finding out, my world has completely turned upside down. I've gone through so many mixed emotions and still am. I somewhat gotten myself out that slump and I was able to get in contact with some folks over at Light The Night who helped me understand a little bit about the disease.  And on 10/03/12 my team,  Magnificent Malaysone along with plenty of other teams will walk in solidarity to pay tribute and bring hope to people who are battling the cancer like my mother, Malaysone.

I'm walking for those whose lives like myself are affected by the disease and to help bring awareness for those whose life like my mother, Malaysone depends on it!  Please join my team, Magnificent Malaysone by walking or donate to my team by clicking here.

Oh and here are some pictures of my mommy, Malaysone from way back in the days...

Been sipping on that Swag-Gu!

She's such a fashionista!

Pretty in Purple!

What a beautiful smile!

Mommy and Me!

Time After Time

So yeah I’m single and honestly I’m fine with it. I always say 1+ 0 is still 1. If I can’t enjoy spending time alone, how could anyone else enjoy spending time with me either. Real talk. 

Dating isn’t like it used to be, and that’s why I am single. I prefer it, now I guess.  I was somewhat vocal about my relationship with Jemani but not really on here.  Anywho, coupled with the fact that people are getting more & more complacent and not ready and willing to put any effort into it. I remember when dating was exciting; meeting a new person, awaiting their phone call or text messages, hanging out, etc.. some real Harley Quinn romance novel shit. Not pre-apocalyptic symbolic text messages filled with naked photos and promises of fellatio. But what do I know? I may appear to be bitter, but I am extremely hopeful. I always carry an umbrella with me. Always, and as I said to him and on my previous entry, It's only my heart, it will heal! 

I Can't Make You Love Me

So, what I thought was love wasn't at all. I got cheated on and it feels like shit. And on top of it, while trying to figure things out and wanting to work it out I receive a text from Jemani wanting to end things. I know, run on sentences like a motha fucka. That to me shows that he's one very selfish asshole. The process of growing is learning and doing stuff outside of your norm or whatever that maybe and I did exactly just that with him.

He has the, "do as I say and not as I do" mentality and I allowed it. He's very fucking selfish, I really, really dislike him for it. I really wanted it to work but hey it's life and it happens and as I told him, it's only my heart I'll fix it.

Passing Clouds

passing clouds.
we had a spark.

but not enough friction to fuel a fire.

I guess I thought we had begun writing the first paragraph to a new chapter together.

the human imagination is an only child that never seems to grows up,

and I tend to let mine run wild,

in an attempt to avoid having it die an early death.

never the less,

I will continue sweating in the sunlight of a bright future,

finding momentary shade in passing clouds,

like you.

Man Who Has Everything

Though confusing,

there is a big difference between understanding, and accepting.

and it is only a matter of time before he grows cold.

the direction of his mood changing like the wind.

He says he’s confusing,

but honestly, he really isn’t confusing

‘just confused.

and so now he’s confused,

as he insists on trying to understand him,

instead of accepting him,

as he is.

In 3D

have you ever googled someone you used to know?

just to see how they’ve been.

where they’ve gone.

or even, just to know that they’re still just as alive as you knew them to be?

well, I googled you today.

and you’ll probably never read this. but,

I’ll never forget that I once found a friend in you.

one that is now gone, like a familiar hello ripped apart at the seam.

your face illuminating from my computer screen, I see that your smile is still as contagious as it has always been.

I wish. that I could blame our distance. on distance.

because maybe then I would have an explanation big enough to fill this void.

I still wonder what I did wrong, assuming that it might have been something I said.

it was probably something I said.

but again, how does one measure the thickness of a wall

that is made of silence.

I just want to put it out there that this is not about anyone else but me. Funny how you think that awful smile of yours would captivate or get my attention. And NO it's not about you... It's about me...
In 3D!