How exactly did he find his way back into my life? I think it started with a random text message saying he missed our pillow talk, which he described as “beautiful.” Gotta love a man who uses that word to describe more than physical looks. But that was so long ago, I thought he forgot about it. But then he IMed me asking if he could stay with me while he was in the city for a conference. I said sure. I can’t deny I was curious about how it would be with him around. But there’s a new, new guy that’s in the picture. We haven’t spent more than 10 minutes together in months, so I really had no idea of what to expect. Would we see each other and click like old times? Would I see him and instantly feel anger remembering the pathetic state he left me in? Would I fall even deeper in love than I was before? Or would it just be whatever, like nothing ever happened? I can’t say I was prepared for any of the aforementioned emotions, but for closure’s sake, I had to go through with this.
I was doing something with my phone when he snuck up behind me and said “What’s up with the socks?” I nearly jumped out of my skinned, and he just laughed. I looked at him and this time there were no butterflies, my heart didn’t skip a beat and he didn’t feel like home. But it was familiar and I found comfort in knowing who I was dealing with (for once). We took the train and small talked it from Manhattan to Brooklyn. We got off the train and his phone rung. He spoke softer than normal and I think I heard him say “shorty” and I smirked at the thought of him hiding this from some other poor sap caught up in him. I asked who he was talking to and he avoided the question. I didn’t push it and thought of my own little secret and wondered what he was up to right now.
We get back to my place and he makes fun of how messy I still am. I joke and say “I don’t have to impress anyone.” And smile at the fact that he’s no longer someone I feel I need to impress.
We small talk some more and I’m slightly disappointed that this is it. He’s just here, we’re just going to go to sleep and continue our lives pretending like we were never in love. We go to bed and he puts his arm around me. And I sigh because this moment is what I’ve wanted for a while, and tonight, I’d rather have I with someone else. But we didn’t go to sleep. We joked like old times. We laughed a lot and finished each other jokes and made up new ones. We held hands. He rubbed my back. And then suddenly he was touching me softer. And for once I could relax and feel comfortable with him. This moment is mine. This is where he shines and I remembered how I could love someone as ridiculous as him. Because he was touching me lovingly and even though nothing else he did made me think he needed me for more than a room at night, this moment cemented my suspicion that there still was a little love left in him. And I took advantage of it. And held on to it, because we both knew this was going to be the last time. It’s almost inappropriate but the most appropriate thing to do together. The sweetest goodbye, our sweetest goodbye.
The next morning the alarm came on; we got up with a mission and went our separate ways. We came together the next night and laid together. Hands we held and kisses were placed on cheeks. But my dreams went elsewhere. As I lay beside him I thought of another and silently prayed to God that one night I could share this with him. And then we woke up again and followed the same routine as the day before. We got on the train and I got off at the next stop. Awkwardly we stood there, not knowing how to say goodbye. So I just said “gimme a kiss.” And he kissed my cheek and I got off the train. I didn’t even look back. “Stand clear of the closing doors… ding!” and as the doors closed and the J zoomed off into the distance, I exhaled a sigh of relief. This madness is finally over. And I can move forward knowing that my heart is all here and it can all be someone else’s. No more “what if’s” cause I know. It’s finally over.
He left as suddenly as he came.
Peace…
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