In A JaNKoBoT 's World

Elephants Do Fly

2012-01-20T09:38:00.002-05:00

I met someone. Within a week, I began telling friends about him and how he maybe the one. They were shocked, but no more than I. As a jaded New Yorker, I’d been dating for half my life, had been around the block several times over, and had encountered some of the worst men that the human species had to offer. Repeated exposure to such people, coupled with the abrasive nature of each failed relationship, caused me to become more and more callous. I secretly began to think that nothing would be able to penetrate my cynicism & then he came along.

Like This And Like

2012-01-18T10:59:00.002-05:00

I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the life is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dancing around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out.

I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives. So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else.

Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like 2012 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now.

I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships. I’d like to make my job something that continues to inspire me. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am.
I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.

Boy In The Mirror

2012-01-11T10:10:00.001-05:00

That young boy in the picture, he would be scared to know some of the obstacles that would lie ahead, but then he would be happy to know the joys that would come too.

I have thought about what I need to change this year, what will be important for me to stay true to, in this year of brand new possibilities. Listening, is what I came up with. In listening I can best see what is being revealed to me. In listening I will hear even that which goes unsaid. In listening I will have the opportunity to be thoughtful. In listening I will choose the right path...

I am sure there will be times that I will need you to hold my hand. Thank you for taking this journey with me...I imagine it will hold some unexpected, but blissful things too.

So Into You

2012-01-09T14:13:00.003-05:00

for me,

being spoken to with such openness. and honesty. cleanses the palate.

appetite now open,

I tasted you in my thoughts today.

my ears, found themselves craving the sweet of your voice.

you seduce me.

subtle.

Manly like.

boyishly charming.

he is the water I now wish to bathe in.

an ocean, that I wouldn’t mind drowning in.

his presence, smells of spring time, and young Lovers.

my imagination,

having already filled in the blanks with optimism,

in these blind eyes, he has become the perfect stranger,

the unscratched number on Love’s lottery ticket,

and together,

we are nothing more than two dice,

released by the hands of good timing.

rotating. connecting. in mid-air.

Curious.

to whatever direction.

our fortune.

may fall.

Beautiful Broke

2012-01-02T20:39:00.005-05:00

There are two things that I can’t seem to get right, love & money.

Let’s start with the most obvious connection to my happiness, money. I love money, but money doesn’t love me. I daydream about winning the lottery and living in the lap of luxury but let’s face it, some of us work well into our 80’s. I also think that some people never know what money is to us. For me- money is time, opportunity and privilege. But the lack of money in my opinion is where art lies. I have my job, which is an okay job and it pays the bills, maybe not on time, but still. I have school loans coming out of my skull bones and a million dollars worth of debt. But hey I am still smiling. At least while that is free.

Who Are You?

2011-12-29T09:50:00.001-05:00

who are you?

I can see what the world has done with you but,

what have you done with the world?

have you even attempted to change the world

even half as much as it has already changed you?

you insist that you are happy,

yet you smile with your mouth and eyes closed,

as if you were hiding something.

and I think it is because,

you are.

How To Love

2011-12-27T02:34:00.002-05:00

All this incessant talk about love. Love this, Love that. Everybody wants to be loved yet strangely I seldom come across an individual that practices love beyond the confines of reciprocity; which in all truth is the only Love. In fact I enjoy watching modern mankind complain about the lack of Love in their world, because I know it is just a reflection of the lack of love they have within. That is to say, we live in a world in which everyone wants someone that’s going to love them for who they are, yet the average person either doesn’t know who they truly are or has yet to accept who they truly are. We want to be in tune with others, yet fail at being in tune with ourselves. We spend so much time looking, searching for someone that knows how to Love us, yet we don’t even know how to Love ourselves. Be the Love that you are looking for.

Closer

2011-12-27T02:18:00.001-05:00

“Closer” (2004)

Everyone has a movie that alters the way they look at life in some major way, shape, or form. For me, this was that movie. I was rather young when I watched it, but it put many things in perspective for me; love, relationships, the interchangeability of male/female dominance, control, and emotional manipulation, just to name a few. As a young man, this movie unapologetically showed me that there are generally two types of men in this world. I guess in some ways, the same can be said for women. Ultimately, I feel as though these four characters are perfect symbols of the most common personality types I’ve encountered in my life as a Lover. Not to mention, the reality is, (emotionally or sexually) most of us are involved in a love triangle or web of some sort, whether we are aware of it or not.

Chanhthajone

2011-12-25T00:34:00.003-05:00

I know I have not yet answered your question. Who is Chanhthajone? I promise that I will, if you promise to stay with me. If you promise to be patient, I will reveal many things to you. Like the fear of seeing yourself in a way you never have before. Sleepless nights over not always being the best that you can be. I wonder what you thought about it, what did you see that I could not see? What would you like to see?

I had to laugh at those moments, when you know what you really want to say, but you just smile instead. I had to laugh in gratitude for holding back. Jehovah has truly blessed me. He blessed me because my life began with neglect and abandonment, and after a very long and difficult road. He allowed me to experience care, compassion and indulgence. He blessed me to come from despair & a lack of self worth to confidence, self love & the kind of spirit that attracts kindness & generosity. With these blessings, I can only laugh and remember, I know Chanhthajone, and others who know Chanhthajone are always good to me...

iLOVE You

2011-12-03T06:30:00.001-05:00

Seven years ago this day December 3, 2004 has impacted my life in so many ways. I'll never forget it. I love you beyond heaven grandma Thongkham. I saw you in my dream today, we spoke and caught up a little. I woke up crying; I miss you so much but I do understand that you are in a better place. It's just the distant that's keeping us apart.

They say life is short. I say it's long, just not long enough; for some anyways. My friends, enjoy those you love company while we're still here. The hospital or the cemetery is the last place you should have to go visit someone you love...

Knowing Is Beautiful

2011-12-01T23:46:00.001-05:00

Today is World AIDS Day! You might see people wearing red ribbons today in memory of friends, loved ones, or strangers. My red ribbon is this shout-out. My tears go out for those friends and loved ones that have been lost to this virus. My heart goes out to my friends that are living with the virus. And my passion goes out to those that will become infected in the near future.

If you haven't gotten an HIV test do that today. If not for yourself do it for all those people that have died. Knowledge is power and without knowing your status you are powerless.

Educate yourself. Be Safe. Act Up. Fight AIDS!

Sincerely,

JaNKoBoT

Like a Wolf

2011-12-01T02:49:00.004-05:00

Like a Wolf
I trot in the light & in the dark.
I am a spirit that claims to be independent.
I am a spirit who is misunderstood, but proud.

Like a Wolf
I am strong, yet I cry, I mourn, I get Lonely,
I love my family, I am a Protector, a Teacher,
and a Lover, Like a Wolf.

Like a Wolf
I believe in the impossible
I Dream dreams, and can see visions for miles.
I am a Survivor, a Climber, and a Fighter.

Like a Wolf
I can be undecided, yet I make good decisions.
The sunlight clears my mind and
The moonlight calls to my soul, clouding my emotions.
I have a daily cycle of feelings,
and I share them with you in my Howls.
I invite you to share my soul, and then you can be;

Like the wolf, I am...

Take Care

2011-11-23T00:55:00.002-05:00

Caught up in a web of western capitalism

and global commercialism

we are trapped, vicariously living this virtual reality

in which status updates are our only legacy,

our only proof to the inside world,
that we exist....

Monica And I

2011-11-23T00:23:00.005-05:00

A few weeks ago, I had the pleasure of attending the ASCAP Annual Women Behind the Music Award where Grammy Award Winner singer, Monica was honored.

Monica looked absolutely stunning and amazing and it was such a pleasure speaking to her.

He Left As Suddenly As He Came....

2011-11-23T00:13:00.003-05:00

How exactly did he find his way back into my life? I think it started with a random text message saying he missed our pillow talk, which he described as “beautiful.” Gotta love a man who uses that word to describe more than physical looks. But that was so long ago, I thought he forgot about it. But then he IMed me asking if he could stay with me while he was in the city for a conference. I said sure. I can’t deny I was curious about how it would be with him around. But there’s a new, new guy that’s in the picture. We haven’t spent more than 10 minutes together in months, so I really had no idea of what to expect. Would we see each other and click like old times? Would I see him and instantly feel anger remembering the pathetic state he left me in? Would I fall even deeper in love than I was before? Or would it just be whatever, like nothing ever happened? I can’t say I was prepared for any of the aforementioned emotions, but for closure’s sake, I had to go through with this.

I was doing something with my phone when he snuck up behind me and said “What’s up with the socks?” I nearly jumped out of my skinned, and he just laughed. I looked at him and this time there were no butterflies, my heart didn’t skip a beat and he didn’t feel like home. But it was familiar and I found comfort in knowing who I was dealing with (for once). We took the train and small talked it from Manhattan to Brooklyn. We got off the train and his phone rung. He spoke softer than normal and I think I heard him say “shorty” and I smirked at the thought of him hiding this from some other poor sap caught up in him. I asked who he was talking to and he avoided the question. I didn’t push it and thought of my own little secret and wondered what he was up to right now.
We get back to my place and he makes fun of how messy I still am. I joke and say “I don’t have to impress anyone.” And smile at the fact that he’s no longer someone I feel I need to impress.

We small talk some more and I’m slightly disappointed that this is it. He’s just here, we’re just going to go to sleep and continue our lives pretending like we were never in love. We go to bed and he puts his arm around me. And I sigh because this moment is what I’ve wanted for a while, and tonight, I’d rather have I with someone else. But we didn’t go to sleep. We joked like old times. We laughed a lot and finished each other jokes and made up new ones. We held hands. He rubbed my back. And then suddenly he was touching me softer. And for once I could relax and feel comfortable with him. This moment is mine. This is where he shines and I remembered how I could love someone as ridiculous as him. Because he was touching me lovingly and even though nothing else he did made me think he needed me for more than a room at night, this moment cemented my suspicion that there still was a little love left in him. And I took advantage of it. And held on to it, because we both knew this was going to be the last time. It’s almost inappropriate but the most appropriate thing to do together. The sweetest goodbye, our sweetest goodbye.

The next morning the alarm came on; we got up with a mission and went our separate ways. We came together the next night and laid together. Hands we held and kisses were placed on cheeks. But my dreams went elsewhere. As I lay beside him I thought of another and silently prayed to God that one night I could share this with him. And then we woke up again and followed the same routine as the day before. We got on the train and I got off at the next stop. Awkwardly we stood there, not knowing how to say goodbye. So I just said “gimme a kiss.” And he kissed my cheek and I got off the train. I didn’t even look back. “Stand clear of the closing doors… ding!” and as the doors closed and the J zoomed off into the distance, I exhaled a sigh of relief. This madness is finally over. And I can move forward knowing that my heart is all here and it can all be someone else’s. No more “what if’s” cause I know. It’s finally over.
He left as suddenly as he came.

Peace…

We Found Love In

2011-10-20T22:02:00.006-04:00

How sexy and dark is Rihanna's, "We Found Love" video? Especially when the male lead role tatted, 'mine' on her ass. The video is almost as dark as the song w/ such a feel good vibe. It just makes me want to dance! Could it be that she's cinematically giving us a portrayal of how her past relationship with Chris Brown. This video leaves me asking is it a dagger to Chris? I wonder if they would try to reconcile? or was this for media hype?

I guess, I wouldn't call it a dagger. I know she recently "broke her silence" on him again. That video doesn't exactly paint either as the predator or prey. I'm going to say it probably came from the heart. Media hype is always part of a controversial move from a pop star, so I don't see the need to draw a sharp either-or distinction here. The controversial sides of this video felt FAR more organic to me than "Man Down."

A lot of folks, myself included is saying how the video depicts and or show that it's evident that she still wants him. There's a probably a stronger case that it represents reflection and perhaps catharsis ... if it's about him, which I think it is. I don't exactly get warm and fuzzies watching that video. She said it's her deepest video, and it certainly looks that way. I think this was her way of trying to explain why they clung to each other so fervently and how it all went wrong. Of course she embellished here and there wrapped it all up in a narcofantasy. Maybe it's just me but I'm in love with this video.

Love No Limit

2011-10-16T23:02:00.001-04:00

I would give these words.

to see your smile again.

to hold you. tightly. right now.

to caress you. softly enough for you to feel the poems written on these palms.

you see,

these,

are words of muted passion.

spoken by a man,

a Lover,

living vicariously through,

subtle memories.

of you.

Will You Be There?

2011-10-16T22:35:00.002-04:00

Regrets collect like old friends Here to relive your darkest moments I can see no way, I can see no way And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh But I like to keep some things to myself I like to keep my issues strong It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind I can never leave the past behind I can see no way I’m always dragging that horse around

And our love is pastured such a mournful sound Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off

I am done with my graceless heart So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart

And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back So shake him off, oh woah

And given half the chance would I take any of it back It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me Well what the hell I’m gonna let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out

( every now & then the perfect song comes out, that describes my life with such great detail xo)

Someone Like You

2011-10-12T11:40:00.001-04:00

Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long run, but no explanation, no mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time and the world. Whatever it meant.

Friendly Skies

2011-10-02T23:10:00.003-04:00

turbulent times. of transition.
at times. it's hard to tell.
whether I'm taking off. or landing.

Stillness In Life

2011-09-27T02:20:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I don't appreciate who I am. People love my personality, my heart, my musings, my mind...but what is that really all worth. None of it translates into living resources. That's just me giving, and giving...and giving. But no return. Right now in life, I'm like at the point where a drowning person stops kicking, and swimming, and fighting for someones attention. That moment in which their life stops flashing before their eyes. that calm surrender; I'm currently in that moment of stillness...

Whatever the fuck that means..

Companion

2011-09-27T00:07:00.003-04:00

cliche, I’m glad that our goodbye wasn’t said with a kiss.

or better yet, one of those “one last time” fuck sessions.

I’m glad that we hugged goodbye instead.

lingered instead.

laid in bed just a little longer instead.

cuddled the night before like I'd imagine we do,

a reminder of the very thing that brought. and binds. us together.

For once in my Life, this isn’t romance,

but a friendship.

And this poem.

is the pain of missing someone,

being numbed by the joy of knowing someone,

worth missing.

20/20

2011-09-26T02:16:00.002-04:00

This afternoon I got inspired to go through some old conversations with a past Lover, as I do every now and again. It being the most emotionally tumultuous experience in my life thus far, I like to refer back to it, to see where I messed up in some ways.

I think the hardest part about looking back at bad relationships is finally being able to see clearly all the instances in which you set yourself up for heartache, headache, destruction and failure. I was such a different person back then. I was foolish, and naive; boyish. And when I get into the psychology of it all, there was nothing extremely unique about my experience. The bond wasn’t a bond as much as it was an attachment. And it wasn’t as spiritual, as it was mental. It was seduction, in it’s simplest, most basic forms. We were both seducers, naturally, but I didn’t play by the rules. I got caught up. I left my guard down. I was playing with magic, and without understanding the fundamental magnitude of it’s power I summoned emotions that I didn’t yet know how to control. I became my own victim.

and I am wiser now.

Ignorance Is Bliss

2011-09-26T02:01:00.002-04:00

This moment, is one of those many moments of doubt in which I start to have second thoughts about myself, the decisions I’ve made, the paths I’ve taken and the present place to which these roads have led. More specifically, since I was young I’ve always tried to live a life that I found to be morally upright; shying away from the more popular mischievous behaviors of adolescence. Being raised by my grandparents, I’ve carried this “straight and narrow” mindset into adulthood. Trying to be true to self, following my heart, not settling for the social norms, refusing to live a cookie cutter existence and so on.

However, the older I get, I can’t help but notice that the subtle ‘killing of the self’ found in the indulging of a broad spectrum of vices, is what keeps us alive. Sex, Drugs, Alcohol, Deception, Stealing, Violence; these are the things that offer us all a thrilling existence, and often times one of euphoric proportions. There is a certain reclaiming of power, and a feeling of ecstasy to be found in a life of lust, selfishness and self gratification.

It’s the feeling you get when you feel as though you’ve somehow cheated the system. It’s the difference between getting payed reasonably for a days work and getting payed a large sum of money for doing next to nothing. It’s the rush you get when you exact revenge on the person that has wronged you. It’s the electricity shooting up your spine when you notice that the person in front of you with the amazing body happens to be wearing something that reveals more than they may realize. It’s the comfort of solving your problems by just popping a pill, instead of changing your diet, or changing your sexual habits, or changing your own mood and way of thinking.

Socially, (and I stress the word socially) this same kind of thinking can also be found in many religious groups. One major example can be found in Christianity. Christianity has become a religion rooted in the acceptance of one’s sinful and unworthy existence, on the basis that someone else has already been punished and crucified for your sins. Some one else has “payed the price”, and upon acceptance, coupled with the active ‘intention’ of living a sinless life you will have a reserved spot in Heaven, where you will have a mansion in a place where the streets are paved with gold. I would imagine to many, this would excite a feeling similar to that of winning the lottery. And then you have the many Muslims who choose to take a much more militant approach to spirituality, whenever necessary even committing acts of violence, in the name of God. I do not intend to discredit the spiritual value of these religious groups. My objective is to point out the fact that fundamentally even religion has to be marketable, and marketed in a way that appeals to the human at the most primitive, instinctive, self preserving, self satisfying levels.

To segue back to the original objective of this post; frustrated with life, I began asking myself why I had so many hang ups, and virtues, and righteous causes, and morals, and so much integrity, and then this rabbit hole of thoughts brought me to a quote: “Ignorance is bliss”. And seeing as it has always been my intention not to pursue a life of ignorance, I found myself at the opposite side of the spectrum pursuing a life of knowledge. In an attempt to make sense of this equation now laid before me, I thought to myself, “If ignorance is bliss, and the opposite of ignorance is knowledge, then knowledge is…”. I pulled up the thesaurus to find all the antonyms attached the word bliss.

According to what I found; If ignorance is bliss then knowledge is: grief, misery, sorrow, unhappiness, depression, sadness.

My First Love

2011-09-26T01:34:00.002-04:00

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence; the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong...

Until It's Gone

2011-09-17T01:43:00.004-04:00

Until It's Gone by RCA Music Group

i remember telling someone that I was a hopeless romantic. And they were happy because it actually renewed [i guess] a thought that there weren’t many people out there still looking for love. I mean I remember when love died. For me in particular, it was a cold day in July of 2006. I was like “fuck this shit” and gave up. So I guess I am a hopeless romantic. maybe I’m just hopeless.

"Until It's Gone" is Monica's new single from her album, New Life which is due to hit stores November, 29th 2011. She's is singing her ass the fuck off on this record! Where were you when I needed this record at one point in my life? The lyrics are so relate able, her approach to each key and riff is impeccable and just so raw and effortlessly. I've always say that she's one of the best songstress of her generation and this song proves exactly just that!

Change Of Address

2011-09-13T09:29:00.002-04:00

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” - Arnold Bennett

Everyone keeps saying I’ve changed. You’re right. I am over it. I would love to be the same person I had so much hope then. blindly going from situation to situation not knowing what I was doing. Still not looking at the big picture. I am not talking about the future. The big picture is today. Right now. That’s all I have control over. This very minute.

This is what I know. Ever since I started enjoying my life, not really worrying about people or things, I’ve been in a better mind state and I really have a handle on me right now. I don’t have too many outside stimuli, and distractions. I am planning for my future just by not thinking about it. I’ve always had thoughts and made plans but never stuck to it because of over thinking. Like the thought was always more than the action and then when it came time to actually act on something it was exhausted because you spent so much time planning and scheduling to do it just right. There is no wrong way to do something, everyone always says the journey is more rewarding than the destination. Well, I get it now.

EVERYONE knows that I have to talk about love. People ask me “how’s your love-life?” and I would usually say “what love life?” but it’s just fine. I am single because I don’t want a love life. I don’t think of my love as dependent on one person coming to rescue me from single life misery. I am fine with it all, the thing i’ve learned is acceptance. I was miserable because I had miserable people around me and didn’t want to not be miserable with them, because I thought I would lose them. It was true. They don’t understand me now. I would love to sit around and talk about how unlucky i am, how nothing is going right, how no one wants me, how I hate my job, how I old I’m getting, how broke I am…etc etc so on so on… But I’m like shut up. fuck.

So what that dude doesn’t like you, some people don’t have a job, some people are dead, and guess what, ain’t shit going right for them either.. clearly. We spend too much time trying to figure out why things are they way that they are and trying to get them to go back to the way they were. Things change. Hopefully things get better when they do change, but sometimes they don’t.

The misconception is the better and worse part. My “better” may be your “worse”. So who’s to say that it is one way or the other?

I have changed. Yes. I am getting older, cuter, and more amazing by the minute. And I’m cool with it. I am reaching a constant state of consciousness. And that reward is greater than anything you may think I am missing out on. I am sad that I’ve lost some important people in my old life. But they were a part of the life I didn’t control. They are still here in some ways but I see them differently. It’s not a bad thing, it’s not even anything but a clear vision of them. I don’t love them any less. But I can’t be the person they need me to be anymore. I can’t do it, it’s an injustice to me.

I can still help people, that fuels me, but don’t expect me to complete you. I would love to show people the path to knowing yourself. Maybe then, they’ll realize how much power they actually have.

Call Me a Taxi

2011-08-31T13:18:00.001-04:00

we stumble through this Life.
the flesh is nothing but a vehicle,
and so my soul plays bumper cars
in this amusement park of an existence,
the flesh is nothing but a vehicle,
in which familiar spirits recognize each other on impact.

Dreams

2011-08-30T04:39:00.009-04:00

For some odd reason, Dreams by Fleetwood Mac have been getting major airplay on my ipod. Perhaps it could be that when I was a child, my father would string to this all the time as he would smoke his life into infinity. Or it could be because of these lyrics, "lighting only happens when it rain and players only love you when they're playing" in which I find to be poignant. Whatever the reason it maybe, it definitely brought back memories of my childhood and reminded me about the great relationship my father and I once shared.

The older I get, the less I believe in the notion of time. I’ve also come to learn that no resolution, tradition, superstition, ritual, or routine will ever be enough to prepare you for the inevitable flow of tomorrow. Life has been hitting me, like a Sledgehammer to the face. Q*Brushes self off* But it didn’t bruise anything but my ego. And in hind sight, fuck it, I never liked my ego, it was slowing me down anyway. I learned some PRICELESS lessons. My ego out of the way I was able to finally meet myself face to face. Being raised on tough love i still have softness embedded somewhere in this heart of mines.

No pain but i’m in love with this Novocaine song, not interested in numbing anything. I want to deal with it all how it comes. Destiny! I know that all relationships start with the search for similarity, I also know that they all end with the affirmation of difference. One thing that is constant that there's always change. Nothing in life is meant to last and yesterday is gone...

Indifferent about every other thing around me but very sure about my happiness, i try to make my main source of happiness myself. I don’t really wish for anything. I’m embracing it all with open arms…and a fucking fist to the face if it thinks for a split second we gon’ have a repeat of the past. Ninja you must be crazy. Live your life like its whatever you want it to be. Mines is golden and the value goes up by the hour. Educate, premeditate and communicate.

Catch 22

2011-08-26T01:11:00.002-04:00

I don’t really think that i am ever going to feel like i used about love & romance. I used to be so hopeful and think that it was going to happen but the options are limited nowadays as it becomes easier to hookup and meet people. You don’t even have to leave your house to hook up with someone now-a-days. People don’t realize that the people you touch, kiss, talk to, meet, reject, etc leave with a fingerprint of you on them. And them on you. If you hook up with a mess, you take a bit of mess with you.

Think about it all the people that get rejected, and they just start losing hope. if this wasn’t true, they actually get MORE hopeful because they realized that wasn’t the one for them and the next one is coming.. But you know it doesn’t happen like that. EVER.

Who would i even date. I mean i’m only getting older and more ehh.. and now I’m lonely on top of it. This isn’t a pity party. just some facts. we all know who we can have, and who we can’t have, and the categories are written in sharpie marker so theres no coming back. There’s some that we can’t have and don’t want. and theres some that we can have and still don’t want.

Who cares right? I mean it’s a catch 22.

Hurt

2011-08-23T00:03:00.003-04:00

We all suffer from some kind of hurt we just all aren't as honest as we could be as to when the injury occurred and how it affected us.

I've spent so many minutes, hours and days trying to figure out what went wrong and when did the disconnect take place that it has taken a toll on me. I am emotionally hurt. And I don't like me that way. I'm turning over this leaf.

I am going to take the time I waste on trying to understand on why something went wrong.. And, use that time to get through the process of forgiveness.

Knowing why someone did you wrong is an added benefit... But not a necessity.. Knowing how your going to deal with it, is paramount ....

Broken Silence

2011-08-21T15:25:00.002-04:00

Spoken silence
heard miles away,
Closest Planet
many Galaxies away..

Letter To My Husband (Whom I Have Not Met)

2011-08-04T00:39:00.010-04:00

It's awesome that the gay marriage bill was passed in NY. And one of my best friend Alphonso got married to the love of his life, Melvin. Too bad I don’t have enough confidence in these worthless dudes(actually I've have but the feeling is not mutual, on his end of course) to ever think that I will get to that stage with one of them. It’s not even me, I’ve always been relationship oriented, never cheated you know, but I still haven’t found anyone that I would want to spend the week with, much less. a long period of time. MUCH LESS the rest of my life. (I mean I was with someone before and somewhere down the line, he wanted to get away from me every chance they got. And long story short, after we broke up, his mother knew about him, i sure did. I mailed a certified package with pictures of he and I and wrote her a letter and letting her know exactly what her only son did to me) I keep bringing it up because I almost killed myself because of it, I was so low. I can’t even express to you how low i was. I was chain smoking and drinking, and eating and wound up looking horrible. HORRIBLE. and then it was over.

But ANYWAY, it’s not getting any better….. dudes treat sex like it’s charity, they’ll accept handouts from anyone anywhere just to get a nut. And although I love sex, I can’t do it. I can’t even drink from someone else’s glass much less all this spit swapping with all these dudes with no goals or self control. There are always exceptions to the rules but most are the rule, not the exception.

My Darling Husband,

Today, I went to the store, and I found many parts of you. I put you together, piece by piece. I chose a hat and a suitcase. Sunglasses for the summer. Slacks and blue jeans. The salesman helped me to choose the ties that you would like best. He asked me the color of your eyes, and I told him, “The color changes”–because I did not know the answer.

There was an old Remington there that I wanted to buy for you. I imagine you typing into the night on it, the bell ringing, the terrific zipping noise it makes when you shove the platen back in place. I imagine you typing your whole life, every story and every memory, and when you are done, you come into my room and you tell me all of these things. I asked the salesman to put it aside for me. I have seven days to claim it.

I have always slept on one side of the bed, to prepare myself for you. I have trained to be comfortable on either side, but to only take up the space that I need. You will speak my language. Everything will not need explaining. You will be smart, and you will be warm, and you will understand how it is.

As I walked toward the shop’s exit empty-handed, a salesgirl stopped me and tapped on the glass of a display case. “Here,” she said as she opened the case. “This will be perfect.” She took out a pair of cuff links. They were silver and black, round, with block letters: SHIFT and BACKSPACE.They were perfect. She wrapped them in black silk and placed them in a little box.

It is waiting for you, under the pillow next to me.

The Mask

2011-08-03T23:31:00.003-04:00

When someone lies to you, it teaches you that things are not always what they seem. The truth is often far beneath the surface. Look beyond the masks people wear if you want to know what is in their hearts. Remove your own masks to let people know who you really are.

99 Problems

2011-08-03T23:22:00.001-04:00

We're all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if you’ve been through enough relationships, you begin to suspect there’s no right person, just different flavors of wrong. . . it takes a lot of living to grow fully into your own wrongness. It isn’t until you finally run up against your deepest demons, your unsolvable problems, you know the ones that make you truly who you are that you’re ready to fine a life-long mate. Only then do you finally know what you are looking for. You’re looking for the wrong person. But not just any wrong person: the right wrong person someone you can gaze lovingly upon, and think, ‘This is the problem I want to have.

Anytime, Anyplace

2011-08-03T23:10:00.006-04:00

Sex is rich, fun but it can grow dark and course for those who have nothing. Who feel full and well nourished by life when someone else is in them. I felt complete by many men, because I was so broken. Even now I know there are many pieces of myself floating out there in the universe. But when you hunger sex…When you lay in bed and claw your legs from its messy needs. Its time to become whole within yourself..

Hello.GoodMorning!

2011-04-03T16:17:00.000-04:00

Hello you all!

iNEED a Tan

2011-03-26T23:01:00.003-04:00

Hello you all hope all is well. Here's a tidbit of what's going on in my life. A few weeks ago, I went to a VH1 party and met the ladies of VH1's "Love & Hip Hop" was able to get a great sit down interview with two of the cast members, Mashonda and Olivia. Both ladies were beautiful in person and so down to earth. Here's some flicks over while I was away...

Mauly and I off that Blue Long Island at El Morroco
The beautiful Mashonda
And Miss Olivia

Numb

2011-03-22T04:48:00.001-04:00

I'm still alive you all! This explains exactly how I've been feeling.

Soldier Of Love

2011-01-22T11:40:00.004-05:00

How dope is this A Bathing Ape Core-Tex jacket? I love how it is base on their oribinal camouflage pattern in green. The features are a weather proof zipper through the jacket including huge slash pockets, sleeve pockets and a pink liner to soften up the masculinity of this jacket. Love, love, love it!

Attitude

2011-01-22T11:29:00.002-05:00

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.” Charles R. Swindoll

Lesson Learned

2011-01-21T02:50:00.003-05:00

Last year I learned people can be conniving, manipulative, deceitful, malicious, spiteful and vindictive.
I learned to look at the patterns of peoples PRIVATE relationships and make an informed projection of who they really are.
I learned not every man knows or has a sense of how to be completely transparent without feeling like less of a man.
I learned some people have been so abandoned in past dealings with men that their sensitivity and insecurity is a learned behavior. Sadly since some don't even see it themselves, they can project it on YOU and expect you to change who you are just to adapt to who they’ve become… because of some other mans bullshit.
I learned how to say exactly what I mean and only offer what I can despite what someone else’s needs are… UNLESS I created the deficiency or need.
I learned people who want to direct or control your life usually are seeking clarity in their own.
I learned that sometimes people think their twisted reverse psychology, trickery, finger pointing with ONE person will work with you. You have to block that shit.
I learned some people are so accustomed to toxicity that they don’t know how to identify themselves as the cause… sorta like a bum on the train that doesn't smell the stink everyone else does but holds his nose too.
I learned that some of you reading this might have taught me one of these lessons without even knowing… which could be the reason you’re only reading this… instead of talking to me about it and laughing.
I guess I should thank you..
nah.. fuck it. fuck you.

Forgiveness

2011-01-19T18:12:00.001-05:00

Moment For Life

2011-01-19T17:44:00.003-05:00

Take a moment and elevate yourself to a higher level of existence. Know that you are not your job or your situation, and know that you have the power to change anything you want simply by starting and directing the change. Good morning and good day to you.

Dear Love

2011-01-06T22:54:00.006-05:00

Dear Love,
I waited for you to call last night,
I texted you to let you know I was thinking about you
I think I am ready for you
I waited many nights to have to you
hold you
feel you inside my heart before it goes cold
and you came through
but it was quickly and
left me numb to the feeling thats taken home in my soul
I don’t know if you will think I’m ready
having been soured by deception
and the thrill of random bouts of thrust happy
affection
fuckery
I am nervous that you won’t be what I expected
that when you look in my eyes I might believe your lies
and think you are something or somewhere that you’re not
or think that you have what it takes to compete for my love
I’ve said goodbye a thousand time it seems
and I’m trying not to go back to black
it’s okay in the day I’m staying busy
but I wake up alone
I couldn’t find the valentine’s day card or the
red heart’s symbolic duality
I stored away for when I want a reminder of
what I thought we were and
what do I do when compliments aren’t enough
and I go about my day with the thoughts of how you will
blanket me in you
I worry that it won’t be true but
I don’t want to be negative about something pure
and we could share a storybook romance
or that thing that fairy tales are made of
I will wait for you…..
time can’t tell you how strongly I feel for you
through heartbreak
and heartache
mixed messages and mixed
emotions of jealousy and
anger
confused intentions
misconstrued words
abandoned hearts
I still feel as if I will breathe a fresh breath
of a new life
and you will stop being a wish and become
a reality
I know there is plan in the works for
the future
and I hope that you are in it
because I miss what I
had with you
It has become my life
because now I live for
ME.

Edit

2010-12-18T14:40:00.001-05:00

written .. before thought.. edited before mispellings.. tired after rest.. answer me before my question.. sitting on tables.. eating off of lunch benches… Eskimo giving .. Indian kisses.. remembered how the past often told of how my eyes were closed during the good parts .. oh how he never grasped how it felt to hold me .. that’s why i cant love you right .. but we were just ordering sodas and burgers to go.. walk thru.. as we drove past forgetting… that was painful.. which one of the thousands of you even understand what this meant.. like English classes.. the bell just rung .. he hears the dial tone.. they told him he was deaf… now he requires to see miracles daily or he wont smile.. this hasn’t made me tickle since I 1st laughed at not knowing what this all meant… ill give it just a little bit of me.. so you can understand that in the course of a full day only 40 percent of it means about the same as the 60 thats left…

Learn Chinese

2010-11-06T16:00:00.002-04:00

This Learn Chinese thing is a bit offensive but funny at the same time.

Dream

2010-11-04T23:41:00.004-04:00

I dream of many things, I dream of a life where I can wake up at noon and start my day. Where I can wake up Tuesday through Thursday and have a four-day weekend every week. I dream of making my pastime my career and my current job a time in my past. I dream of a life where I have enough money to do anything but still know it’s not everything. Where I can take trips to Bora Bora or my backyard or downtown and have an equally good time. I dream of a love that will dance with me in a dark and find comfort in my smile. I dream of friends that will call with good news, be around to laugh with and grow old with. I dream of music that soothes my soul, get me outta my seat and make me remember how good life is. I dream of a me that is unselfish, caring, creative, beautiful and wise. I dream of creating beauty that brings people together, make people remember why they love and challenges the very thing that bring us down. OURSELVES..

Chillin

2010-11-04T23:36:00.002-04:00

I shouldn't be lonely, my shadow has never left my side. Even on cloudy days, there he is...chillin just like me..

Fancy

2010-10-27T22:51:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite music producer of all time Swizz Beats can be found on this month GQ Magazine showing off how fancy he can be. I beleive that when when a man reaches a certain age that; he must switch his style up. Swizz Beats does that effortlessly leaving the baggy clothing behind finding his way to a more mature dapper look and I am taking notes!

Rent Is Too Damn High!

2010-10-26T01:13:00.002-04:00

Yo, Jimmy McMillian would get my vote!!! he said Bloomberg politics with a new president is like taking a bath and putting on the same dirty draws when u get out

Runaway

2010-10-24T11:17:00.005-04:00

Kanye West had the whole entire twitter and hip-hop community in a frenzy last night when he premiered his film, Runaway. I wish I had loved it like most folks however I did find it visually arresting.

His Last Goodbye

2010-09-29T22:29:00.004-04:00

RIP Tyler my heart breaks for him & his family... I can't imagine the pain he felt. People call it a prank but guys like Ravi are bullies who take pleasure in hurting & humiliating others, I hope he meets his equal in prison... fucking BASTARD! What crazy is that this speaks volumes about our society overall and the stigmatization of homosexuality. Religious zealots amongst others unfortunately have a strong hold on what is considered just, moral and "normal." Now had this been a girl caught on film with... a boy she may have been mortified but suicidal? I don't think so. And a male caught on tape getting it on with a female? Oh he's the man. But change that to a homosexual who is not "out" and it literally can be life destroying. I can't imagine how devastated that boy must have felt to go jump off a bridge - and for what? It is really sickening.People act like "online" doesn't translate to real life. It does!

Sick And Tired

2010-09-21T18:50:00.004-04:00

Instead of thinking about how they got into trouble...they place the full blame on the sitting President.

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree." - President Barack Obama November 2008, election night

Sold Defective

2010-09-17T07:32:00.002-04:00

My self-relfection stares at me with want for self-affection
I'm
Self-neglected...
Maybe
I
Jogged away from all I that I Myself expected
To the Funhouse where
My self-reflected self
Was self-respected
But
I am shelf-affected...
Maybe
Sold defective
And
Maybe then the blame can be deflected
Redirected
And
I can be the fault of he who should've shelf-inpsected
In
Stead of I who never self-inspected,
Self-affected.
Or
Maybe imperfected self-reflection
Is a hypodermic dose of Real
That must be self-injected
And
If so
Tie
Me
Off

LOVE

2010-09-03T20:23:00.001-04:00

OMG, this video makes me want to lose myself in love and let it have me completely!!! This confirms my vision that true love really can be as sweet and poignant as this. *teary eyes*

You Are Really Dumb

2010-08-31T06:56:00.003-04:00

Fo'Real!

I'm pretty sure you all heard of Antoine Dodson if not ya betta google him, Fo'Real!

Moments Like This

2010-08-23T04:25:00.006-04:00

You know what I love about photography? The picture and it's moments! The best thing about it is that it never changes, even when the people in it do. Bots, I introduce ya to a some of my beautiful people!

Mirror

2010-08-16T00:38:00.003-04:00

A lot has happened over the last few months and I’ve learned a lot and did more than I thought I could. Lived in the moment, stepped back watch the moment pass, jumped at the moment, got pushed back...hopped back on and loving it! I’ve done it all. Turned over a few leaves and met awesome people. Looked in the mirror and found LOVE and it flowed through my body and shook my nerves; you know, like a cold chill on a 98-degree day: abnormality.

Love The Way You Lie

2010-08-06T01:45:00.002-04:00

Megan Fox is looking uber sexy in Eminem new video, "Love The Way You Lie" featuring Rihanna.

Love All Over Me

2010-08-04T17:41:00.005-04:00

I'm so happy that Love All Over Me is Monica's second single off her album, Still Standing, however I'm so mad at J Records for releasing it so damn late. Yes her album sold off the strength of her first single, Everything To Me alone but I feel that Love All Over Me will not be as big as it's suppose to be. The song is catchy, great and she's singing her behind off.

On to the concept of this video, amazing! It features, L.A. Lakers player & boyfriend, Shannon Brown and rapper Maino. We can all relate to this, being happy in a new relationship and that one ex who, you always loved tend to pop up out of nowhere to only cause confusion. Which one do you want to go with? The past or the future? Ugh, got to love Monica for this!

Gone Already

2010-08-04T17:27:00.005-04:00

Faith Evans is back with some new music and I'm happy! Since the 90's Faith has always been one of my favorite singer who always delivered great solid R&B's music.

“Gone Already” produced by Carvin Haggins & Ivan Barias is the lead single from Faith’s forthcoming album, Somethin’ About Faith, which is set to hit stores and online October 5th.

A New Day

2010-07-28T04:45:00.005-04:00

Hello you all, I know it's been such a very long time that you've heard from me. I'm not certain if you all noticed but I move to New York and am getting adjusted. I made some personal short term goals within the last year and am so blessed that I was able to achieve it by having faith, believing in me and the grace of God. Work has been very hetic, I've been working 12+ hours a day, doing over nights because I have to train new colleagues, yes I know it sounds a bit crazy but I love my job. In life we take too many things for granted, one being the major elements for living a great life is happiness.

Many of us fail to realize that happiness is an option. I completely understand that it can hard to be happy with yourself nowadays with all of the standards set by society. People are expected to be successful, socially well-adapted, philanthropic, worldly, fit, loving, and family-oriented; all at the same time! Is there really enough time in the day for all of this? In the end, who are we trying to please anyway? Why do we jump through hoops to be the perfect person?

How many people can honestly look in the mirror right now and tell you who they are? Does anyone really know who they are? I could be a father, a brother, a uncle, a son, a firefighter, a doctor, a winner, a loser… I could go on forever. Why do we put so much effort into identifying who we are? Is it really for ourselves or to show off how great and happy we are to others? I've learned that I am the happiest when I have no clue who i am. Just remember to look at yourself every night before you go to bed and acknowledge and accept what you see; mentally and physically. Remember what you don't like can always change when you open your eyes and look at yourself again. It's called, A New Day!

It's Showtime

2010-06-29T03:49:00.003-04:00

Here's me on my work flow status. Yes I'm still trying to figure out how to smile so don't mind me not smiling. Any who, I'm back in NY and loving it!

InterContinental Times Square, I can't wait until we go live!

Experience

2010-06-29T03:44:00.000-04:00

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes...

Let It Burn

2010-06-22T06:13:00.002-04:00

While watching the movie Scent of a Woman the other day, my heart was tugged during the tirade Al Pacino’s character went on at during the trial of his new found friend. He described the carnage of war, young men lives and bodies forever changed. Arms and legs amputated due to the relentless attacks of their enemies. “But an amputated spirit…, there is no prosthetic for that.” That one line resonated in my mind, deeper into the heart of my spirit, all weekend. Even more a close friend of mine going through a break up. An amputated spirit… what a terrible thing.

I have come to realize that I like many people have put band-aids on broken hearts and amputated spirits. When this thought hit my spirit I was nearly reduced to tears. Many people are still hurting, not because they do not want to forgive, not because they do not want to move on, but because they have been broken, amputated, disfigured and changed forever and are frantically trying to get their lives back the way they were.

I wish I could say that I have the fix that would get your life back the way it was as I’m still trying to get back to mine.

I Apologize

2010-06-22T02:56:00.003-04:00

My Language

2010-06-07T02:41:00.002-04:00

So I was recently asked: If you could instantly become fluent in another language, which language would you pick?

And I chose Love, because not a lot of people can understand it.

It's My Time

2010-05-31T12:08:00.005-04:00

Check out this beauty Genaro Perez of Red Models. They know how to pick them!

Power

2010-05-31T11:57:00.002-04:00

Anytime you don't hear anything about Kanye West, you'll always know that he's in the kitchen cooking something good! Check out this crazy track, Power featuring Dwele.

Download Power Here

Together Yet, So Far Apart

2010-05-08T19:52:00.002-04:00

This shaking keeps me steady 
But I'm still a mess even though I'm ready
 Mainly busy with all those
 Important little things that are petty
 Intently concentrated on everything I forgot 
That I remembered that I really had a lot
 Of simple complicated things that are not
 Now this organized chaos around me 
Has turned up the silence of this beat 
That I march to as I relax, think and sit on this seat
 And as I wake to sleep and take my waking slow
 I've learned by going where I have to go 
That life's too fast even though it's slow
 And my spirits high even when they're low 
So I know what falls away is always and is near 
That I feel comfort in every single fear
 And in that comfort, happiness that smiles with very lonely tears 
And with that superficial feeling I feel
 Deep with in my heart 
Is a small piece of this major part 
Of all the individual "me's" that are 
Here together yet, so far apart.

Apple Soju Cocktail

2010-05-08T14:47:00.002-04:00

Apple Soju is my newest drink of choice. Here's how to make it.

Ingredients:
1 Pink Lady or Granny Smith apple
2 cups soju or sake
5 cups chilled tonic water (40 fluid ounces)
8 lime wedges

Directions:
1. Cut apple into matchsticks with an adjustable-blade slicer fitted with a 1/4-inch julienne blade, discarding core. Put matchsticks in a pitcher and stir in soju. Let macerate, covered and chilled, at least 30 minutes and up to 2 hours.
2. Fill 8 (12-ounce) double Old Fashioned glasses with ice. Strain about 1/4 cup soju into each glass, then add some apple pieces to each glass. Top off drinks with tonic and serve with lime wedges.

Makes 8 cocktails.

Cinco De Mayo

2010-05-05T02:41:00.003-04:00

Cinco De Mayo is important to the Mexican Community and Supra celebrates with the community by releasing the the super-limited “Cinco de Drinko” Skytop II. It comes in white full grain leather construction wrapped up tight in Mexican zarape uppers. There are only 200 pairs produced and will be available exclusively only at Factory 413 .

Christina Not Herself

2010-04-30T08:44:00.002-04:00

In New video I see "Human Nature," "Green Light," (a tinge of "Like A Prayer"? ), sadly "Bad Romance" and a bunch of all-too-recent Beyonce and Lady Gaga looks and photos, to boot... This seems like an unnecessary homage to her so-called peers, which I know she didn't intend because she doesn't even like those two.

So.Sick

2010-04-29T21:37:00.002-04:00

I love karaoke and I was in the mood to do just that last night. However I didn't want to do it live on stage so I opted to use my Macbook Pro and Youtube to work and attempted to sing, So Sick by Neyo.

Somehow after karaoke, I found the courage to hit up the lounge dolo and accomplished a personal goal I made for the night. And that was to, flirt a little and get drinks bought for me and I did just that. I had two drinks! :-)

Self.Mutulation

2010-04-28T06:29:00.004-04:00

i want blood,
my blood.

place strikes upon
my back and
watch me bleed.

i smile inside.

this pain
never hurt so good.

Little Boy Blue

2010-04-21T03:08:00.004-04:00

So here I sit an abandoned little baby trapped in a grown man’s body with my head in my hands, tears trickling down my face and a broken heart bursting through my shirt like a Roman candle on the 4th of July. Alone. Quiet. Unfulfilled. Dismissed. Damaged. Jagged. Defiant. Structured. Scattered. Buried. Mystified. Deceased. Unknown. Unclaimed. Strong and weak at the same time. Mournful. Distressed. Stressed. Fully dressed, but still Naked With My Poker Face On.

Distance And Time

2010-04-18T22:19:00.003-04:00

I’ve had my fair share of relationships, platonic, romantic, business, family or what not but what I’ve begun to realize is the value of closure. I’m going to keep it all the way real right now. I have plenty of open wounds ranging from childhood to my unresolved father issues (Like many other fatherless children I buried the pain and all the unaddressed emotions. I tucked them in the recesses of my psyche and let them fester in a mental folder labeled “To Deal With Later.”) to my numerous requited crushes. Truthfully, I’ve only had one real break up. All my other romantic encounter or dealings just somehow faded away with no real conversation or discussion. Someone stop calling and the other person stopped bothering, eventually you both get the picture and moved on or something like it. The problem with that approach is that rather than dealing with the issue head-on, you just basically bury your emotions under a false of security.

If I allow you into my life 3D you’ll definitely know that I’m constantly trying to better myself the best way I know how through closure. I’m definitely cringing at the thought of the last sentence being read publicly, the growth that I seek myself requires that I face it heads on. So if it means that I’ll have to buried skeletons from my closet and possibly calling up old exes or friends just to find that closure so be it. It’s taking me so long to realize that in order for me to ever move forward in life and find true happiness, I would have to close all these still-ajar doors to my past. Sometimes you have to take one step back just to make two steps forward. Walk with me…

I need help and would like to ask any of my readers, how good are you at finding closure when a relationship ends? Are you the one usually looking for closure or the one running away from it? How important do you think resolving issues in past relationships are to you finding happiness in future ones? Have you ever confronted an ex or former friend about unresolved issues between y’all? How did it go? Would you do it again? Is there anybody from your past that you wish could clear the air with? Are you ready to find the closure you need?

Speak your piece…

iBOOK It!

2010-04-17T09:19:00.001-04:00

Can't afford an iPAD? iBOOK it! Whoever came up with this idea is a creative genius!

Sista Daeng's Dirty 30!

2010-04-14T05:06:00.002-04:00

A couple weeks ago we celebrated my big sis Daeng's 30th born day! We had dinner Friday night at 107 West in Harlem and had a great time. Their drinks there are very strong. On Saturday, sista Maria and I cooked Yum Salad while the girls went out shopping. Later on that evening we ended up at The Park for dinner and a great night of fun. Check out the video of us, getting ready for Daeng's Dirty 30! Yes I'm a little shy something sometimes.. lol

All Aboard

2010-04-14T04:58:00.003-04:00

I sometime wish I was a bit taller, I really do clothes on men look so much better if they're taller and slender. I think due to recent events I lost 13 lbs so far in 2 weeks and I'm loving it. My goal is to lose 20 more and I will make sure I achieve it. I'm loving the simplicity of this look, it's not forced and is done right.

Halo

2010-04-14T04:37:00.004-04:00

A lot has been on my mind lately and I've been trying my best to find clarity and put many things in perspective. However here's a quick update, I'm almost done with school, I start my externship sometime next week and I'm extremely excited about it. I can't wait to graduate. After graduation, I hope it will lead me to NYC with a job transfer with the new InterContinental Time Square opening. I'm going to just stay focus with school and work and saving up money. I've grown out of where I am living and it's now time to continue my journey elsewhere. I won't miss a lot of folks in Boston as the only close friends I do have are less than a handful. We'll always keep in contact and as real friends do, be able to pick up where we left off.

Anywho, for the time being, please enjoy this random ass video of me from the other night attempting to sing Beyonce's "Halo"

Shade

2010-04-14T04:35:00.002-04:00

you run like rain through the cornfields
leaving a barely visible trace of cloud
tangled in the dead brown stalks

as if we belong on another planet
where you cannot get lost

chasing the trail back home

there is stillness in the air
a silver flare that hides behind us
shimmering where we cannot see

the sky is heavy
the palm of memory
pressing down too slowly
to be considered seriously
a blanket to keep us safe
from all that shines
too brightly

we run like rain through the woods
the darkened trunks
barring the way deeper into green oblivion
and silently we laugh like friends
though I still do not trust your footsteps
ahead of me

Crushed

2010-04-02T13:59:00.002-04:00

Is it just me or does life come at you really fast when you least expect it? Like one second things are content maybe even a little boring and the next a million new different things are happening?! Good things of course..life decisions that make you have every mixed feeling and emotion you could possibly imagine having?? That's exactly how I feel now.

In My Kitchen: Moke Gai

2010-03-14T12:43:00.003-04:00

My Ingredients:
Chicken Breast and Thigh
Shallots
Chili Peppers
Habenero Peppers
Lemongrass
Green Onions
Galangal
Salt
MSG (optional)
Padek sauce (fermented fish sauce)
Coconut Milk
Fish Sauce
Sweet Rice

So what I did first was made the kao boua (rice paste) which consisted of crushing the sweet rice, galangal, chili peppers, habenero peppers, shallots, lemongrass on the mortal and pestle. I then seasoned the chicken meat with salt, msg(optional), padek, fish sauce, coconut milk along with the kao boua. Since I'm not good with the banana leaves wrapping, I just placed it on my round bamboo steamer and added mixed chicken to steam which only took twenty minutes to complete. And it came out good!!!

Beauty And His Beast

2010-03-13T22:34:00.007-05:00

OOo Mehcad Brooks are you one fine specimen. Here's a video of him on this Calvin Klein photo shoot showing us his beast. He was one of the many reasons why I tuned into True Blood. I'm still mad that they killed off his character however, I'll just luxuriate over his Calvin Klein ad.

Telephone

2010-03-11T22:16:00.002-05:00

Check out this cinematic video of Telephone by Lady Gaga featuring Beyonce. Now this is how a video and duet from two of the biggest pop star should look and sound like. Lady Gaga fucking slays. You already know that the queens will be doing their choregraphy at the club this weekend and rehearsal has started an hour ago!

Runaway Train Of Thoughts

2010-03-10T03:07:00.002-05:00

I failed to make sense of
moving backwards
with momentum
racing against excuses
for whys and cries
about how I
needed to

escape

the only way
to get away
from staying
in depressing situations
remembering times
when thoughts multiplied
to more than
what one could humanly handle
bar none
with only one foot on the pedal
still ... backbreaking
after dancing off track
by not allowing matters to
run its course

on the treadmill of life

set at moderate speed
going nowhere slow
stuck indefinitely
in the same place

I started

gracefully racing
with disgrace worn
humbly on my face
that eventually gave way
to expressionless moments
on buckled knees wavering
burdened by desperate pleas
for someone ... anyone ...
to please ...
lessen the weight

so my thoughts ran fast,
passed the sun
going forward
to the past
back to where
we all came from
beseeching the Divine for help
to bequeath the wealth
of Thy Kingdom Come
while I'm still here on earth
sent along with the following

post script:

Please pardon my ignorance
for asking this question,
if I'm blessed with the chance
to enter into heaven,
why do I have to die
when Revelation mentions
the old one will be updated then relocated
to a place where I'm already a resident?

I Want Change

2010-03-10T02:24:00.000-05:00

Amen!

Pursuit Of Happiness

2010-03-10T00:03:00.002-05:00

Check out this Alice In Wonderland inspired video of Pursuit of Happiness from Kid Cudi's album Man On The Moon.

My Life As A Refugee

2010-03-09T00:31:00.003-05:00

Over the weekend Nye Noona wrote:

" I finally had a chance to visit the exhibition, Torn From Home: My Life as a Refugee yesterday with my sisters. The first part of this video is about my family, and the photos of the people that we knew at Nong Kai Refugee camp, some went to Canada, France and the United States. Then the exhibition itself, and finally the conclusion of us going home, not to stay but only to visit, my dad and I visited Laos in November 2008."

Torn From Home: My Life as a Refugee takes young audiences on an inspiring, hands-on journey into the extraordinary lives of children who are forced to flee their homes and seek safety in a new land. Visitors of all ages can explore what it means to be a refugee and better understand their hardships and hope for a brighter future.

Check out the beautiful video she provided and please visit her site Nye Noona and for more information on Torn From Home click here

Coming of Age

2010-03-03T02:28:00.003-05:00

I'm in the 25+ club and these looks definitely works for me.

Bead It Up

2010-03-03T02:25:00.002-05:00

Besides being very attractive, David Beckham definitely also has style. I'm a huge fan of accessories and beads. Spring is right around the corner, stop up on ya beads to complete your look.

Creativity

2010-03-03T01:57:00.005-05:00

Kanye has been doing some reflecting and I'm not mad at him for it. It is never wrong to reflect and regain some humility from it. I believe he's doing just that.

I'm Serving Banjee Fish

2010-03-03T01:53:00.004-05:00

I'm living for this photo of Rihanna in Gio-Goi. She is serving you Banjee fish and it aint tuna!

My Peace, My Joy!

2010-03-02T02:58:00.003-05:00

My beautiful niece Mai'a is growing up so fast! She's the only Trini-Laotian chick that I know that can spit yard shit. Real talk! Whatagwan Mai'a? Uncle loves, loves you, your mommy and your brother Tyler!

Question Existing

2010-03-02T02:51:00.001-05:00

I'm just saying...

All That Barking

2010-03-02T02:46:00.004-05:00

And no damn biting! Oh is this type of shit on Youtube my guilty pleasure!

I Love Your Smile

2010-03-02T02:43:00.001-05:00

Check out this beautiful picture of a young Janet Jackson with her big ol kool aide smile looking oh so precious. Smiles are great, people should do that more often.

Time To Represent

2010-03-02T02:28:00.004-05:00

Census 2010 is here and it is very imperative to fill out the census form which should arrive in your mail anytime now. If you are Laotian, please make sure you check other on number 9, then write in Laotian. Stand up and be counted! Lao, Hmong, Tai Dum, Khmu, etc.. let's represent!