Thursday, June 13, 2013
So I haven't posted in here in almost a year. The thought crossed my mind the delete this, but I know how I am. I would regret the hell out of that decision and then want to write about how much of a mistake it was to delete my blog but have nowhere to write it, and the internal conflict would drive me insane. So instead of writing something long and wistful, lamenting my time away… I’m going to pretend like it never happened and get with the getting on. In the last almost year lots of things have gone on. People were sick, people are sick. My mother was diagnosed with cancer, I was in love but ended up getting my heart broken. I’ve made some bonds with some amazing people that I can personally guarantee will never sever.
I’m beginning to think I’ve inherited some doormatic (I invented that word) qualities from my mother. I tend to give everyone and everything and every situation I come across the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I think it makes me look like someone who doesn’t need emotional tending because I’m so involved in making sure whoever I’m involving myself gets to feel their feelings that my feelings get more than overlooked. How’s that for a run-on sentence? I will tend to other people and other things until my fingers are worn down to bloody nubs, all the while thinking I’m feeling this thing or that thing but keeping it to someone who isn’t even myself. What do I mean? I’ll explain. It’s like I don’t even let my feelings get bottled up because I don’t keep them anywhere near the empty bottles. It’s more like I’m thinking them into one of those astronaut training rooms, where there’s no gravity and things will bounce around for eternity if you don’t stop them. So instead of having that bottle that’s ever-filling for me to reference, I have this spastic chamber that bounces emotions off of me left and right, making it difficult for me to express what I’m feeling when I’m feeling it. I know, it’s epic. And it’s probably the most important thing you’ll ever read in the history (and future) of ever… so you may want to bookmark this entry now.
I needed to take a real hiatus from updating because felt like all I was saying, all I was writing, was really about trying to figure out how to make my life read the way I wanted it to read. And when I read my posts over and over again I felt like cataloging my indecision only made it worse. I was constantly reminded of things I told myself I should be doing without ever making any steps toward doing them. It’s very hard to dig yourself out of your current state of thought when you’ve surrounded yourself with your demons from the past.I think I am finally realizing the secret to life and maintaining a healthy relationship. Social things have been up and around, over and everywhere. Trying to figure out life without certain stimulation and the never-ending pull of the NYC nightlife is hard, but very doable. I hate it when people tell you to stay true to yourself. Stay true to me kicking you in the throat. Instead I like to think that all of my loves and interests and hobbies are like little flames dance around my heart. Isn’t that a pretty visual? And my struggle thus far has been keeping all of the flames lit without have some burn out of control and the others go out. I think all of the things I involve myself with are important. If I let things fade just to make life easier or to make my interactions with someone easier I’m not doing either of us justice. The point of me being myself and you being yourself is that when we come together we enrich each other’s lives.
So instead of being really awesome and aware of some things I can be really good and aware of a ton of things. And if I keep my interests alive I’ll always have things to fall back on when social times reach a lull, or I’ll always have something to introduce to someone else. Now my next move is to branch out and figure out more things I like to do/am interested in. I’d like summer ’13 to be about self discovery and building up the relationships I have right now. I’d like to make the fun in my relationship the best fun we’ve ever seen. I’d like to make all of my close friendships into best friendships, I want to get back into school. All of these things are totally doable. I’m way more capable than I let myself believe that I am. I will be awesome and you will be awesome and together we will create leagues upon leagues of awesomeness.
I think the key to me making my blog (and maybe my life?) work and be something I update often is to not put so much pressure on myself the way I used to. I’d actually think when I was at work, or on the train, or standing around being amazing, that I had to think of something to write. I had to think of something to talk about. When really, I intend to use this as a place for me to vocalize with my fingertips what I can’t vocalize with my tongue. So maybe instead of beating myself up with imaginary baseball bats and tasers (side note: when did tasers become the new handgun/birth control/handshake? Was I out of the room when the entire planet decided tasers should be in vogue?) I’ll write about why I don’t have anything to say or why I don’t feel like updating. I can imagine if anybody is reading this right now they’re thinking “oh awesome, that sounds like a post I’d like to read. You’re so dumb I want to kick you. And I'm done!
Enjoy my pictures, mostly from the 2013 Brooklyn Half Marathon that I participated in!
My family and I would like to thank you all for the support! There were times where all I wanted to do was cry because it was out of my control but chose to smile through it all instead. I had to make her priority and put my personal life on hold and build what I thought would be a shield. While finding out about her cancer, getting the necessaries information that I needed to understand all of that I was in love or thought it. But that love didn't last and it left me with a broken heart. Having put my emotions aside its now hitting me and I'm not liking how I feel. I'm thankful my mother is healed and now it’s my turn.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
that I was falling.
because of having to lose, and let go of so much.
but now I realize,
that I’ve been flying.
and was only letting go,
of the things,
that were holding me down.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
My beautiful mother, Malaysone who is currently battling Stage 4 NH-Lymphoma cancer sings Mor lam. Mor lam is a traditional Lao form of song in Laos. Mor lam means expert song, or expert singer, referring to the music or artist respectively. Other romanisations used include mo lam, maw lam, maw lum, moh lam and mhor lum. In Laos, the music is known simply as lam (ລຳ); mor lam (ໝໍລຳ) refers to the singer. Traditionally, the tune was developed by the singer as an interpretation of glawn poems and accompanied primarily by the khene, a free reed mouth organ, but the modern form is most often composed and uses electrified instrument.
The cancer is being a tad bit stubborn and is not gone as of yet so, I'm still remaining hopeful and prayed up. Last weekend my mother was in great energy and we went to one of her friend surprise birthday party. Her band was present, they serenaded her and even got her to sing. Here are some pictures and videos from last week from last week!
Thursday, August 16, 2012
we haven’t spoke in a while, but I am taking this opportunity to write you a letter. I can’t help but to express my concern with the way things are turning out. you aren’t who I thought you’d be. Please don’t think that I am disappointed in you I just need you to listen.
I remember when you were growing up and you were so sad, you didn’t have many friends, your parents were always fighting, you were getting made fun of by bullies and being tormented by family members. You swore then that you were going to be someone, not to show everyone anything but so that you would never have to be sad again.
Your life had lead you down may roads, you’ve come across many people some good, some bad all leaving an impression on you but your core has never changed. You were always an artist. when things were adverse you wrapped up into yourself and created people that you could be around and worlds that lacked the bad things going on around you. You were able to fight back with your pencil and in turn make people smile and remember the beauty in life. It brought you closer to strangers, gave you a common bond with other artists and dazzled people on your talent. You didn’t have to speak or validate yourself, you just let your art speak for you.
Somewhere down the road between lazy and comfortable, between hurt and karma, you’ve lost it. It’s your light. If you don’t have that light then you needn’t exist. The ease of the execution has been lost on fast masterpieces of digital text and color gradients. It however isn’t fully gone.
As you’ve gotten older, you’ve started saying “why should I? what’s this for?” which was much different than what you used to say ” why can’t i? just because.” You’ve let your pursuit of love or something like it’s vampiric mission drain you of your energy and leave just enough to do it all over again. You didn’t need anything or anyone to be there - no models, no gigalos, no profiles, and default picture’s quicksand time management lessons.
you’re about as lonely as what you surround yourself with - you used to prefer the people you made up over the people you were forced to be around. And while your circle is cleaned and your back to basics like never before, you need to realize that your age & surrounding isn’t a hinderance but more direction more clarity of what you need.
You are one of the few people that can entertain themselves with everything that you’ve already got, you don’t need anyone else to help you or do it for you. But that life that you always dreamed of having is slipping away and you’ll be left with nothing and no one. And it will be your own fucking fault. Why would you choose to be no one special when it’s so clear that you are someone important - if not only to yourself. Seriously.
sincerely with all the love in the world.
Friday, August 10, 2012
I must practice the art of silence.
and the art of patience.
and the art of listening.
I should think,
of what it is that I intend to say.
and choose the most concise way to go about doing so.
I should not look at language as a general means of communicating.
but I should be reminded that
the reason I say something
and the way I say something,
should be specific
to the person
I am saying it to.